It's Alright to Say, "Forgive Me, I'm sorry"

What makes up your family?  Are you a single parent and have to co-parent from 2 separate homes? Or are you married and have to navigate parenting and loving each other within the same home?  Whatever makes up your family, you still have to learn how to respect the other adult in the relationship.  As we are walking in this 40-day process of focussing on the family, we are not just talking about children.  Your family includes adults, which could be your spouse, co-parent, sibling, parent, friend, church member or neighbor.  I believe that we think we are at our best when we only have to deal with children.  Probably because we can lord over them and really don't have to ask their opinion about most things.  When you're dealing with adults, however,  you actually have to listen to feedback and engage in dialogue. (Blah blah blah, some might say.)
Seriously though, it can be difficult to deal with a spouse or a co-parent because it causes us to be vulnerable.  (Uh, what a yucky word!)  You have to be open and honest, if you desire to be dealt with openly and honestly!  And what is the thing that can get in the way of this?........Pride.

Who is right and who is wrong?  Who gets to prove a point in this situation? At the end of the day, who will make the final decision?  If I let him win this argument, will I look weak?  If he won the last battle, do I have to position myself so that I appear to win the next one?  Silly questions?  Maybe not, because I think we have all asked ourselves some form of one of these questions.
My response question to all of these questions is..........Does it really matter?

Oftimes, the only thing that hinders truly open and honest conversation is pride.  I never said that I had this thing all figured out.  I told you this was a 40-day journey that we are taking together, so as I am typing, I'm also learning.

So here is my story of how blessed I was, when I let go of pride...

Last night, the family was enjoying a nice quiet evening.  We had made it through a long day.  My husband had preached 2 sermons at church, went to his second job as chaplain for the Thunder and now we were in our bedroom watching television. He was sitting in the chair and I was lying across the bed. We've all been affected by this allergy season and my husband had been coughing for the last two days.  He broke into one of his coughing spells and I, being the super diligent wife, decided to get up and make him a cup of hot tea with honey.  (Honey for my honey, right?)  I moved around the kitchen with a smile on my face because I just knew that he would be so appreciative that his darling wife made something for him, without even being asked. I chose the clear glass mug (I think clear coffee mugs are sexy.), placed it under the Keurig and waited for the hot water to enter the mug.  I steeped the tea, placed the honey in the mug, stirred it to dissolve the honey and tasted it to make sure the tea was just right.  I glided back to the bedroom, imagining the big kiss and thank you I was going to receive for being so thoughtful.

Well when I entered the room, he was no longer sitting in the chair, he was lying across the bed (in my spot, no less) and when I stood in front of him to hand him the mug he said," just put it on the dresser".  Are you for-real dude?  Do you think I turned around and placed it on the dresser?  No way, I stood there, pushed the mug closer and said "here".  To which he said, "I'll get it in a minute".  I'm being punked right?  Surely he doesn't realize what I just did for him!  Well I spun around on my heels, slammed the glass mug on the dresser, started gathering my things, heard him say,"my back is hurting", ignored what he just said and walked back into the kitchen.  When I returned to the bedroom, I got my headphones so I could listen to my audiobook and proceeded to ignore him.  I could tell that he knew something was a little off, so he attempted to make small talk and I, being an idiot, pouted until I fell asleep.

Well the story doesn't end there...
I woke up this morning with a chip on my shoulder and decided to shower, get dressed and hurry out the door before anyone could wake up and say anything to me.  But as I'm in the bathroom, the Lord started talking to me.  He basically let me know that I was ignorant for allowing something so small to ruin the evening.  He also pointed out that I didn't make tea because my husband  really wanted it, but rather I did it to soothe my own ego. OUCH!!!  (Okay Lord, my pinky toe is still hurting from those boots I wore to church yesterday.  Are you really just going to step all over my feet this early in the morning?) Okay so how do I fix it?  I'm really trying not to look stupid by all of a sudden being honest and bringing it up today.  Let's just let the day ride and see what happens.  (Of course, conviction doesn't work that way.)
Wouldn't you know that my husband woke up, as I was about to leave the bedroom and mentioned his back again.  (Dang it, I can't ignore it this time.)  So I proceeded to rub his back a little.  I was preparing to leave the house and he followed me into the kitchen and sat down.  We talked for a few minutes and he asked for a cup of cappuccino. (This must be a test!) I was about to say, when I offered you tea last night, you didn't want it.  BUT, I didn't say it!  I made him a cup, just like he asked.
As I stood there waiting for the water to brew, I blurted out..."I must apologize".  He looked at me blankly and asked, "for what"?  I told him that I have a bad habit of shutting down my emotions whenever I offer help and he doesn't take it.  To which he replied, " I know, you do that all the time!".  Open and honest, right? (Uh, could you be a little less honest sir?)  I told him that I realized my wrongdoing and I would try to control that...the first step was to acknowledge my bad habit and ask for forgiveness.  He smirked a little and continued drinking his cappuccino.  We continued to talk, laugh and kissed goodbye as I left for work.  Day saved!

What was the lesson?  There are several:

1. Check your motives for doing what you do?  If you are looking for praise, you're probably not doing it for the right reasons.
2. Don't take everything so personal, it's not about you anyway!  He couldn't take the hot cup of tea, because his back was hurting and he needed to lie across the bed to stretch it out.  (Drinking hot tea, while you're lying down probably isn't a good idea. Duh!)
3. If you stop long enough and be honest with yourself and then open up to the one you love, you can forego a day of misery and a long, drawn-out argument.
4. Realize how blessed you are to be in this relationship.  I just realized how gracious my husband actually was.  The fact that he said,  "I know, you do that all the time!",  let me know that he has held back judgment several times in the past.  His grace had been covering my imperfection for a long time.  Wow...now that's love!

So I encourage you to stop to appreciate your family and the adult relationships that you are involved in.  If you need to apologize for something that you said or did...just do it!  Being vulnerable actually frees you, because it allows your partner to trust you even more.  There is no 'one-upping' anybody in a healthy relationship.  If you can't say it to their face, then send a text message...but doggone it, let it go and be vulnerable.

Now walk it out...

(Although I must admit, between those doggone boots and the Lord convicting me... I'm walking with a little limp...but I'm walking anyway.)