40-day Focus on the Family Finale: What I had to nail to the cross

Well we made it through the 40-days of the Lenten season and 40-days to focus on my family.  The 1^st day, I mentioned how God had impressed upon my heart to not “give up” anything for lent, but rather to “pour into” doing this season.  It was during this time that I poured into my family: my husband, the boys and yes, even the dog. Throughout this entire 40-day journey God has shown me some things about myself through my mishaps and joys.

Parenting and being tied to a family is nothing that should be taken for granted.  Just because you are physically able to bear children doesn’t necessarily qualify you to have what it takes to raise them.  I know the parenting journey can be trying at times, but if you’re intentional about it…you will reap the rewards of your diligence.  This is also true if you’re in a loving, committed relationship. You have to be deliberate about your actions and be careful how you choose your words.

I can hear you asking,” Okay that’s nice Sharri, but what did you learn throughout the process? 

Thank you for asking!

We, as Christians, just celebrated Resurrection Sunday (Easter), which marks the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. Good Friday was the day that He sacrificed his life and was nailed to a rugged cross so that we might experience God’s salvation and everlasting joy.  In the out-pouring of myself on my family, God has been pouring into me. I am going to share a few lessons that I’ve learned throughout this 40–day family focus journey and what I had to nail to the cross. 

Lesson#1:

I nailed my pride to the cross.

I’ve written a few times of how I had to apologize to both my husband and my children during this period.  In times past, I would have fought to the death and justified why I did certain things just to prove that I was right.  But God showed me through that cup of tea and even in the name-calling incident that I am not always correct and really don't have to be. It’s alright to admit when I’m wrong, that I might not have all the answers and it’s even better when I confess my faults to my family.

Result:

My family’s trust in me is resurrected.

They can trust their feelings with me because my goal is not to override them, but to partner with them. (And you can partner with them, even in your discipline.  It’s about how you do it.)   Pride is dangerous, because after a while you gain a warped view of yourself.  Once your family loses faith and trust in you, it’s hard to get it back under control.  The best way to do it is to simply say, “I’m sorry” and allow your actions to display the sentiments of your heart.

Lesson #2:

Nail “taking yourself too seriously” to the cross and resurrect a fun-loving jovial spirit.

I have had so much fun with my kids by just being plain silly.  Whether I was flying paper airplanes or recording them as they enjoyed a bedtime dance-off, we simply laughed and played together.  Do you understand what laughter does for you mentally, spiritually and even physically?  It lowers blood pressure, lowers the stress hormones, exercises the stomach and back muscles, and improves creativity, alertness and mood.  I have noticed both of my boys laughing at and with me and I think it allows them to see that life can be joyful.  Perhaps when Mommy tripped up the stairs and started laughing at herself…they will remember that when they are in a situation that might cause them to be embarrassed.  My hope is that instead of them going into a state of depression, when they are faced with an embarrassing situation, they would learn to laugh it off and keep it moving.  That rings true for my husband, as well.  I used to be so sensitive if he talked about something that I had on or criticized the way that I would do things.  But now, I can laugh it off and oftentimes crack a joke right back, which can end with a little kiss, giggle or a pinch.

Lesson #3:

Nail impatience to the cross and resurrect longsuffering and compassion.

I didn’t initially understand why I was calling this a 40-day journey, but now I totally get it.  The word journey can be described as a period of travel from one place to another with stops along the way.  Or it can be defined as a progression from one stage to another.  Focusing on your family is just that…a journey.  It took me 40 days to learn just 3 of these lessons.  As the boys continue to grow through various ages and stages, the journey will become more interesting, creating more opportunities to learn through the life lessons.

The joy of it is that I am now aware of some things and I know to be more deliberate in how I exist with my family.  It’s about being transparent, admitting that I have flaws and then “resetting” until I find the right frequency for the moment.  Today I may have it figured out; then tomorrow might hit me with something that knocks me off of my feet.  I must recognize that every situation that I’m faced with is an opportunity to show my family how I deal with life, with God’s help, and empower them to handle their struggles as they are challenged.

Final lesson:

I live with some of the coolest dudes around: my husband, our 2 sons and the dog.  I am blessed to have them on my journey and I count it a privilege to be a part of theirs.

Now go home, love on your own family and walk it out……….

OMG...did that just come out of my mouth?: 40-day family-focus

I’ve been hesitant in telling this story.  Probably because it was not one of my stellar moments as a mother.  I was tired and frustrated and probably should have sat down somewhere.  I couldn’t check out, so I took it out on my children. 

Honestly, I’ve been trying to write another story of how we have been holding hands and singing Kumbaya, but the Holy Spirit kept convicting me and told me that if I was going to tell the story, be ready to tell the entire story.

So here it goes…

One Sunday, me and the boys were preparing to leave for our 11am service.   My husband had left earlier that morning for the 8:30 am service.  We had gotten up, eaten breakfast and because I wasn’t feeling well (just tired and yucky) I decided that I needed to walk the dog for some exercise.  My younger son and I walked the dog and all seemed fine.  When we got back to the house, my older son still had not showered and was just “slow-playing”.  Several times, I tried to speed him along, he resisted and I began to get annoyed.  The final straw was that I had already ironed a shirt and he wanted to wear something else.  I told him to keep on what he had on and he started to walk out the room, as I was still talking (okay, maybe I was yelling at this point…don’t quite remember). Anyway, as he walks out, I called his name and instead of just saying ‘yes mom’ or just turning around, he decided to be quick in the mouth and retorted, “that’s my name”.  Well I lost it!  Did I punch him in the throat? No. Did I run and jump on his back, pounding him as I took him down? No.  Did I throw a shoe at him?  No.

But what I did caught my attention as it came out of my mouth.  I screamed to the top of my lungs, “_*&*&*_, have you lost your mind?”  Now you might be thinking, ‘Geesh, that’s not so bad; at least you didn’t lay your hands on him’.  But I might as well have, because it echoed in the hallway and it sounded so venomous. Strike one!

This was major because I refuse to let the two of them call each other names.  I don’t want them to get adjusted to calling anyone names or allowing anyone else to call them out of their name. So this was MAJOR and I was even madder, because now I’m mad at myself.

Strike 2 came when my younger one needed help putting on his bowtie and I kept telling him that I would help him after I got dressed. 5 minutes later, he’s knocking on the door again and then 5 minutes after that.  Uh hello, little one…did you see how I just went off on your brother…back up please. The last time, he pounded the door and walked in with an attitude and sat in the chair.  I quietly went to my husband’s closet, pulled out a belt, starting yelling and hit the wall.  (No I did not hit the little boy…take your hand off of speed dial.)  As I was yelling, I began to cry and I knew that I was out of control.

Strike 3…I went to church without resolving the issue.  But the entire time I sat in church, the Holy Spirit was convicting me. 

How could I sit up here and act as if everything was alright?  In fact, I was so out of sorts that if the wrong person would have said something, I might have pounced on them.  (What?!  Not the 1^st lady…don’t judge me) Anyway, I repented to the Lord, but it wouldn’t be right until I repented to my children.

Once we got home, before we ate dinner, I went to them in the living room and began to talk. “ Hey Guys, let me apologize for this morning. Mommy was out of control.  I was tired and didn’t feel well and I overreacted.  I shouldn’t have called you out of your name.  Just like I tell both of you, Mommy needs to control her emotions.”  I continued by letting them know that I was really sorry.  The conversation went on a little further about how we all need to know when we just “need a minute, to get it together”.  I explained to them the things that frustrate me when I have to ask them over and over again to do something or if they seem ungrateful.  It was actually an open and honest conversation that needed to take place.  We went with the rest of the evening, as if nothing had happened at all.

What can we all learn from this?

1. Learn to take cues from your own body.  If my body is tired and drained, then most likely so is my brain.  I must learn to pause and gather myself and to determine if the problem lies with the children or I’m I frustrated due to my own circumstances.
2. It’s acceptable to apologize to your children when you’re wrong about something.  Our goal is to raise empathic and conscientious children, so they need a role model.  They needed to see that I was not exempt from admitting when I acted out of line. 
3. Don't sit up in church acting like everything is alright, when you know that there is something that you need to fix in your home. Praise and worship doesn't negate bad behavior.
4. Kids are so forgiving.  My boys had moved on from the mornings’ events, but I think they respected me even more when I stopped to admit my mistake. 
5. Name-calling benefits no one.

Please learn from my mistake and walk it out…

Still focusing on the family

The 40 day family focus is not over yet...I have just really been focusing on them these past 2 weeks (no time to write, but I do have some more stories to tell). 

 Both boys are playing baseball and the older one is playing basketball, as well.  Parenting is a serious undertaking if you are intentional in your child's development.  My husband and I deliberately put both of our sons in activities to keep them active and productive.  It's actually pretty funny because by Friday afternoon, they run home just to turn the TV on and vegetate on the couch for a few hours.  (That's because they don't get to watch television and play video games during the school week. Hey...that's what parents do....set guidelines.)

And during their Friday 'veg' time, my hubby and I try to sneak out for a quick dinner, a trip to the gym or just go for a quick ride WITHOUT children.  If you're married, it's imperative to find quality time just for the two of you.  We loved on each other to make these babies and now that the babies are growing up, we better find that time to continue to invest and love on each other.  Eventually both boys will leave home and I don't want to look at my husband one day and say, " who are you?"

I am really enjoying this time of intentionally doting on the people in my home.  They are not an afterthought at the end of they day.  Family is what drives me to work hard, so I can play hard when I'm with them.  I have learned so much about myself as I took the focus off of me to focus on them.  I am growing in this process and I am grateful to God for this time.  

If God has given you the opportunity to have a family, find time to deliberately dedicate time to them.  I promise that you will reap the harvest.

Now walk it out...

Dancing before bedtime

Looking for an interesting way to end the evening?  Try having a dance contest before bedtime.

The boys were fussing with each other and trying to decide who the best dancer was, so I challenged them to a dance off.  So it's a showdown in the living room...
My nine -year- old just came into the room dressed in a grey vest, plaid hat with broken down brim, shorts, polka dot dress socks, black dress shoes and shades.  I think he's pretty serious!  Not to mention he is stretching.
Now my 13-year- old is pop-locking.
Somebody change the music please, I feel some zumba moves in my bones.

Let the music begin and dance it off...

Togetherness: 40_day family focus

I woke up early this morning to wash clothes, tidy the house a bit and sit quietly before the rest of the house awakens in a thunderous fashion. I'm sitting here drinking a cup of tea, enjoying a tiny piece of stillness and I just noticed what it said on the mug.  FAMILY...laughs together...stays together...celebrates together.

I'd like to add to that.

FAMILY...

• cries together
• prays together
• exercises together
• reads together
• eats together
• figures things out together
• gets on each others nerves together
• does silly things together
• can achieve great things together
• tries to figure out life together

Last week, our family was together on spring break and I realized that I needed to be totally present with them, so I turned off the laptop, in order to fully focus on them.  Sometimes we get so caught up in our routine that we forget what is really important...our FAMILY.  It doesn't matter what your family looks like, if you are in a...2-parent home, single-parent home, grandparent and child, husband and wife, or it's just you and the dog...this is your family.  Since you have to live with these individuals, why not make the most of out of your time together.  My husband and  I realize that we only have about 4-5 more years before our older son leaves for college.  Yes, the same fat-cheeked, thick-thighed little baby that I used to put in a onesie and kiss on legs, who is now taller than me will soon be off to college.  Then four years after that, his younger brother who had the skinny legs and arms and extraterrestrial fingers, who now rocks a mohawk and is the fastest runner on the field, will be out the door, as well.  So how should we spend the time now?  Whatever we do, it must be together!  Because I have only a few more years before they leave the home, we must continue to raise them as respectable, charismatic, educated, strong, confident, courageous, God-loving African American leaders who will be game changers in the world. (Although at times I might see them as fickle-minded little boys that don't like to take showers, talk way too much and can get on your last nerve....I'm just saying.)  It's all about togetherness.  We are figuring out life together.  They are learning from us and we are learning from them!  Sometimes it's challenging. Sometimes it's time-consuming!  Sometimes it's uncomfortable!  BUT it's all worth it!

Yesterday, we had our older son open the first baseball game of the season as the starting pitcher and just one field over, our younger son was in a learning session for lacrosse. My husband and I could sit in the stands together watch one child in front of us and then turn our head to the left to watch the other child.  Although you think that your children don't want you around, just stop and imagine what it does for them to see you in the sports stands or at the math competition or at their school program cheering for them.  Your support can build up such confidence in them.  Don't wait for your children to "figure it out"...help them navigate their lives and do it TOGETHER.  Even when my husband and I can't be their together physically, we just 'tag team' it and our kids still feel loved and supported.  

Togetherness is not about sitting together all of the time, holding hands, singing Kumbaya my Lord.  Togetherness is a state of mind that says:

• we are on the same page
• we have each other's back
• we are not afraid to show each other love
• we refuse to allow differences to separate us
• we are going to figure this out
• we are a part of each other's journey
• we will work hard to bring out the best in each other.

That's togetherness!  Stop, focus and be present in this moment, because all you have is right now.  You can't catch the second that just passed, so participate in the second that is right now.  Oh there it is... oops another second... it just passed...here comes another... did you jump in or did it pass you by?...here comes another second...Good Lawd, it's gone again. 

It's like the game of double dutch.  One person is standing on one end holding the ropes (the past) and another individual is standing at the other end holding the ropes (the future).  The only way to master the game of double-dutch is to practice jumping in the middle (the present).  This moment is all that you have so practice jumping in together with your family.  You might mess up from time to time  and get caught up between the ropes, but quickly run around to the other end of the rope and jump in the middle again.  That's what makes jumping rope so fun, you can mess up and jump right back in. 

I encourage you today to jump in with your family today.  Don't worry about what how you got tripped up in the ropes, but together figure out how you can start over.  It's alright to admit that you messed up and would like another chance to begin again.  In fact, when you're honest with your family and let them know that you don't have all of the answers, but you'd like to learn from them as they learn from you...you actually learn to live in the present, focus on doing it together and  get pretty good at landing between the ropes with ease.

Well my older son just walked into the kitchen and  kissed me on the cheek, so now it's time to get the house rocking.  In fact, I think we're all going to get up, get dressed and go out for breakfast TOGETHER!  (I'm not cooking this morning.  Praise God for good restaurants.)

Now walk it out... or better yet, go ahead, wait for it, wait for it, now JUMP...

Miracle at Mile-Marker 65...A Praise Break

I have not written for a few days because we were on spring break, we were traveling as a family and I wanted to be fully present and in the moment with my husband and children.  The title for that page and summary of what I learned is called, Unplugged: 40- day family focus.   Well that will have to be a tomorrow’s focus, because TODAY I have to pause for a praise break and thank God for sparing the lives of 5 women, 1 man and 2 children on a stretch of a dark highway last night.

My goodness, where do I begin?

Last night, we were being a blessing to a family who had already been a blessing to our family.  (That’s a testimony unto itself.) I had just reconnected the mother to her children, who had been hanging out with our boys.  Praise God that they were safe and headed back to their own home before all of the excitement began.  I jumped into the back seat of a different car, with friends who were heading back to the City. We were enjoying great conversation; talking about careers, maintaining our health and church. We were on a stretch of highway that was dark and we began to notice a small RV, hitched to a pickup truck, slowly begin to sway in front of us.  We could have passed it and continued traveling, but something just didn’t look right.  So we followed closely and started calling on Jesus. 

Did you used to have a wagon when you were younger?  Do you remember pulling that little red wagon behind you, while you ran throughout the neighborhood?  Over the cracks in the sidewalk, sometimes on the grass, over hills and around corners…just running.  What happened if you ran too quickly?  The little red wagon would swerve from side- to- side until you either regained control of it or it would sway out of control, eventually leaving the 4-wheels for a 2-wheel stance until it would flip over and rest on its side.  This is what we thought was unfolding right before our eyes.  We just knew that the RV was going to flip in front of us.

The more the RV swayed, the louder we prayed.  It traveled from one lane to the middle of the highway and back again.  I pulled out my phone and dialed 911 for the highway patrol.  But thanks be to God, by the time someone came on the line, the truck had come to a stop on the road shoulder…just inches from hitting the yellow and black guardrail caution sign. They had lost all rearview lights and power to the RV.  We followed suit, pulled off on the shoulder and our driver jumped out to assist the people in the truck.  While we sitting in the car awaiting highway patrol for assistance (which would never come because I inverted the mile marker numbers…I gave them 56 and I actually think the mile marker was 65…oops. Don’t judge me, I was nervous!), the 2 of us still in the car began to just thank God that nothing serious had happened.  We watched as 3 women emerged with cell phone flashlights, investigating underneath the hitched RV.

I had placed the first call to 911 at 9:41 pm, not knowing that I would place another call at 9:44 pm. This time, however,  the call would be different.  It no longer concerned the truck in front of us, this time it was our car.

As we were thanking God for their safety, an 18-wheeler sped past us and suddenly we heard a loud POW.  Good Lord, that was too loud to be a car backfiring.  The sound was similar to how I’d imagine a gunshot would sound, if I were in close proximity.  We sat there wondering what had just happened, when all of a sudden I noticed the outside noise of the highway had grown louder. I turned my head and realized that the back window of our car was shattered.
Uh hello people,  remember I’m sitting in the back seat!  I dialed 911 again.
The front seat passenger jumped out of the car to alert the driver to what had just happened.  I attempted to get of the car, only to realize that the child-proof locks were engaged.  I can’t open the door!  Panic almost set in, so I jumped over the front seat and out the front passenger door.  (If the United States Olympic track team needed a hurdler, they would have chosen me last night, because I flew over that chair.) 

The driver and other passenger returned to the car to check things out.  It wasn’t until that time that I realized that there was glass on the seat where I had been sitting. 

Shattered glass on the seat, but not in my hair.

Shattered glass on the seat, but no cuts on my face.

Shattered glass on the seat, but nothing on my back.

Shattered glass on the seat, and I had come out without a scratch.

Can somebody just stop and join me in a praise break?  What?!

My parents used to always thank God for keeping us from dangers seen and unseen…well I KNOW that to be true today.  THANKYA!

Long story short, we patched up both vehicles enough so that we could make it to the exit, which was about a mile away.  There was a gas station at the exit, so we used cardboard boxes, flannel pajama pants, a blanket and duct tape to cover the entire window.  The women and babies in the truck were going to sit and wait for their spouses to pick them up.  They were so thankful that we had stopped to assist them and just kept talking about us being their angels.  (Can I just say that our driver earned every bit of his man card yesterday?  He was patching things up on both vehicles and making things happen.  He was our very own MacGyver.  Thank you Sir.)  One of the ladies mentioned that a high school friend, from over 20 years, found her last week on Facebook, said that she had been on her mind and had been praying for her.  I told her to please message her back and tell her that her prayers probably saved all of our lives.

I felt the need to pray, so we held hands and began praying in the lot next to the gas station.  I sensed in my spirit that since God had spared all of our lives tonight that He still had work for us to do.  It was my prayer that each of us would refocus our attention to whatever it is that God is speaking to us.  If He had wanted us go home with Him, He would have made it happen.  Therefore, I will work my little hands doing what God has called me to do until He says that my work here is done.

As we pulled back onto the road, the other passenger in the car turned on a song by Kierra Sheard, Indescribable. 

The lyrics to the chorus are:

Indescribable, uncontainable,

You place the stars in the sky and you know them by name

You are amazing God

All powerful, untamable,

Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim

You are amazing God

All I can say is that God is truly amazing!  We drove home, with gospel music blaring, grateful to God for protection.

What did I learn from this?  

1.  In ALL things, give thanks.  It could have ended much differently.  Yes, the back window was shattered, but whatever struck that back window could have hit me in the head and killed me. 
2.  When you are giving of yourself in service, God is protecting, healing and moving on your behalf as well.  Sometimes you don't even realize that He's been keeping you all along.
3. When God tells you to pray for someone, stop and do it…your prayer just might save his or her life.

I normally end by saying “Now walk it out...",  but today I’ve got such a praise that walking is inadequate…. I’ve got to dance this one out.  Care to join me?

Be Still: Focus on the Family

iPod, iPhone, iTouch, Android, Chrome, Kindle-Fire, mp3 player and every other thinkable gadget...

We’ve advanced so much over the years with technology, yet I believe that we are raising a generation that is so used to being stimulated technologically that they don’t know what it means to be present and soothed by their own thoughts or imagination.  Honestly, even the noise of the television bothers me. (Unless I’m watching Scandal, of course.)

Before 8 o’clock this morning I was blessed to watch 2 shows that I had recorded previously.  And twice I heard the phrase, “Be still”. 

Eckhart Tolle said, "Silence is the language God speaks and everything else is a bad translation."   In The second show, with Iyanla Vanzant, she simply said to “Be Still and Listen”.  Oftimes, it’s the quietness that is comforting, transformative and exhilarating.  It is that place where you can be with one with yourself and with God.

I thank God for that word of being still this morning, though I didn’t realize it that I would need to use that stillness with my own family.    We were set to travel a few hours for spring break and we had planned to leave at 8:30 am.  Well of course, that time came and left.  I had to finish washing clothes and find someone to keep the dog, since our kennel was booked.  Because my hubby has a cold, is dealing with allergies and is not feeling his best, he was ready to cancel the trip, or at least wait one more day before leaving.  Now my normal self would have been combative and ready to challenge him, but that still small voice said to keep my mouth shut.  I simply said, ‘okay’, but I continued to pack and get the boys ready.  After a while, I quietly went over to him, hugged him and started kissing his jawline.  I asked, “Are you hesitant to travel because you're not feeling well?” To which he replied,” Yeah I just don’t feel well, I need to sleep”. (You wouldn’t know this, but we were set to travel during Christmas last year and cancelled at the last minute, only for him to spend the entire week of Christmas in the hospital with 2 blood clots in his lungs.  Needless to say, I understand his hesitancy.)  I kept moving around and just had to be prayerful………..silence.  Well by 12 noon, we were all in the car ready to travel.  I was behind the wheel, so that he could get some rest.  I listened to an audiobook, while he slept and the boys had their phone and iTouch.

Silence, yes?

Not really because my youngest son wanted a hotspot, so he could turn on Netflix and my 13-year old was listening to music on his phone and text messaging from the moment he sat down in the car. 

Yes the car was quiet, but everyone was not still!

Their eyes were squinting as they watched a movie on the tiny screen and their ears were overly stimulated because the little dings, which allow you to know that there is an incoming message, kept interrupting the music that played.  Constant stimulation!  Good grief! Something has got to shift, I thought as I was driving.  And shift, it did.

We stopped for a break, to eat and stretch. Well my 13-year old did something to upset his father and I was given the opportunity to hold his phone for the rest of the drive. (Lucky me!)   This was our segue into stillness.  When we re-entered the car, I told my younger son to turn on his audiobook and my 13-year old had to make penance, so I told him to just close his eyes.  Immediately I noticed that my younger son had stopped fidgeting as he listened to the audiobook, because he was becoming one with the story.  And wouldn’t you know it; my 13-year-old fell asleep.  No phone and he fell asleep.  No little dings and he fell asleep. No tiny screen and he fell asleep. No texting and he fell asleep.  Stillness and he fell asleep.

This showed me two lessons. 

1.  As a wife, sometimes the best thing to do is just be still. My husband needed to work through his own anxiety and all he needed from me was to be supportive and still.  (I must admit that I have missed this mark several times in the past.)  My calm and my silent prayers allowed room for God to work. 
2.  As a mother, sometimes you have to be creative. With one child, I used technology but it was done with an audiobook, which still allowed him to use his imagination and become a part of the action.  With the other child, I had to put my foot down (actually parent) and take away the very thing that hindered him from practicing stillness. 

I praise God for that early morning word of stillness.  It prepared me to make an impact on both my husband and children.  As you go throughout the day, be sure to practice stillness so that you can pass it on to those around you.  When you are centered, those that come in contact with you must align themselves to your space and aura.

Now walk it out…