I've betrayed myself

It's 4:00 am and I am up drinking hot lemon water (from the sexy clear coffee mug), washing clothes and watching my recorded showings of Super Soul Sunday.  I just finished watching an episode with Carolyn Myss, where she talks about intuition, grace and being true to yourself. She said that a there is nothing worse than betraying yourself.  She and Oprah likened it to being in a marriage that you know isn't good for you or staying on a job that you're not supposed to be on.  But what if you haven't experienced these big things.  You might say, "oh no that's not me...I have not betrayed myself...my marriage is fine, my kids are adjusted, I have a great job...betrayal is not my experience."  Don't jump so quickly that you miss the lesson, because I almost did.

I forgot to mention that I am up so early because I have indigestion.  I was awakened at 3:00 am with an uncomfortable knot in my throat and chest (not a heart attack because I knew the culprits).   Yesterday, I cooked dinner  before going to the gym with the husband, so we could eat a healthy meal upon our return.  However after the gym, we made a quick stop at "H & 8th" which is a new food truck event that happens on the last Friday of every month.  Food trucks are set up within a 3 block stretch and people come from all parts of the city, willing to stand in long lines to taste the cuisine and to enjoy the electric atmosphere.  It's really a fun event.  I was exhausted after the gym and just wanted to go home.  However my hubby wanted to just stop by and check it out.  So we did...

I waited in the car and when he returned, he entered the car and said, "I have one of your favorites...".  He had gotten me, fried okra.  And oh was it cooked well and quite delicious!  I ate it on the way home, still ready to eat the dinner that I had already prepared.  Once we arrived home, I realized that he had actually purchased a fried chicken wing dinner with more okra.  I gave the boys 2 of my wings and preceded with the purchased dinner.  That would have been fine, but I decided that I needed to taste what I had prepared, along with the purchased items.  (I did mention that I had just gone to the gym.  Duh...what was I thinking?) So I had officially stuffed myself, with 2 dinners and a margarita.  Hmmm, not felling so well.  But it doesn't end there...

Earlier in the day I had promised my younger son that we would make a cake.  So while we were in the kitchen, I did just that.  One strawberry cake...coming up soon!  I lounged around, while waiting for the cake to cook, cool and be frosted.  When it was finally done, I announced that the cake was ready.  Oh the squeals of excitement that coursed through our home.  Everyone was pleased and Mommy had done well for the evening.  Or had she?

Not only did I sabotage my workout with fried okra, fried chicken wings, a margarita, the prepared dinner and strawberry cake; but I had the bright idea of placing a little ice cream (that had been in the freezer for weeks) to accompany the cake.  Oh yeah I forgot to mention that at the tender age of 42, I have discovered that I am lactose intolerant.  Can this evening get any worse?

In the last 12 years or so, I have struggled with ice cream and sometimes milk (I've recently switched to rice milk).  Just 3 weeks ago after eating a small scoop of ice cream, I was doubled over in pain the next day.  A friend suggested keeping Beano in my purse, so if I ever decided to cheat again, I would be prepared. (Hmm...if I ever decided to cheat, I'd be prepared......cogitate on that for a moment.)  I have cheated since then, taken the Beano and the next morning realized that I had no gas effects, but I did have an uncomfortable knot in my chest/throat.  One would think that I would have gotten on the right track, stayed away from dairy, which would negate the need for the Beano....right?.  Obviously not, because I'm awake writing you, pain still in my chest/ throat, sipping on hot lemon water making promises to God that "if you let me get out of this one...I won't do it again".

The revelation of why I am sitting here is in a line from the prerecorded show with Oprah and Carolyn Myss.  She said, when your life path begins to harm you it means you have taken a detour and when you feel like you're losing yourself,  it means that you are betraying yourself in some way.  She goes further to say that when you betray yourself, you are no different than any other person that might have betrayed you. Oh Lawd, really?!

You mean that I can knowingly betray myself?  Although I had already messed up the evening with my horrible food choices, I took it a step further and betrayed myself by popping the Beano in my mouth before eating the ice cream. I knew what I was doing was wrong for me, but I wanted to experience  it and feel the temporary high.

You are probably saying to yourself, yeah Sharri that was pretty dumb! Let me caution you not to judge my actions so quickly, before you examine what is going on in your life.  So many of us are keeping something around for that "just in case" moment.

• Just in case my husband makes me mad, I still have my "friend's" number in my phone or on Facebook...I can just send a quick inbox or text, cause I know he'll make me feel better. Self-betrayal.
• Just in case my co-worker acts a fool, I still have that tape that could potentially damage his/her career. "They deserve it anyway". Self-betrayal.
• Just in case I'm running low on cash and I know the cashier really made a mistake by giving me too much money back, I quickly walk out the store before anyone realizes it. Self betrayal.

Okay too deep for you...try these on for size...

• I make a mistake, but I lie and blame someone else. Self betrayal.
• I'm having a bad day, so I make everyone else around me suffer. Self betrayal.
• My feelings are hurt, so I gossip about someone else to make myself feel better. Self betrayal.
• Someone drives too slowly on the highway, so I drive up beside them, 'mean-mug' or give them the finger. Self betrayal.
• I know I shouldn't have that extra glass of wine, but "we're all just having fun, one more can't hurt". Self betrayal.
• I know I should pay my tithes, but I really need a new outfit. "God wants me to look good on Sunday".  Self betrayal.
• I know I'm trying to lose weight, but I'll just hide a few snacks and indulge when I'm alone. Self betrayal.

We've all participated in some form of self-betrayal and the first thing we must do is acknowledge it.  You can't fix or adjust what you refuse to acknowledge. (I'll tweet that later.)    The opposite of betrayal is devotion, faithfulness, fidelity, honesty, loyalty, truthfulness and support to name a few.  Choose today to be honest and open with yourself. Be truthful.  Develop a relationship of fidelity with yourself. Be open to the fact that there might be a better way to accomplish that which you need to accomplish.  Don't look for the shortcut, oftentimes it will cause you more pain.

Today I will be true to myself!  No more self sabotaging behavior.  I deserve to treat myself better.

Now walk it out...

(Praise God that the pain in my throat/chest has subsided, now I'm about to walk over to my purse, get the bottle of Beano and throw it away.  No more self-betrayal...it's just too painful.)