I am not my hair! BUT at the same time, I am.

A few months after Daddy died in January 2019, I noticed that my hair stopped coiling the way I liked.  There seemed to be breakage or damage at one spot.  I have worn a teeny-weeny afro (TWA) for years, AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT, so my hair has been short for quite some time.  I thought the hair breakage was just due to stress and grief, until I noticed periodic itching and burning of my scalp. After visiting a beautician, who specializes in natural hair, she parted through my hair and discovered little white bumps all over my scalp. It looked like a teenager with bad acne, but on my scalp instead of my face.

She mentioned that it was probably folliculitis brought on by hair products which attract dirt and then styling it with a sponge used to separate into coils. So, I changed hair products and began to finger coil instead.  It offered some relief, but the symptoms eventually came back.  I transitioned into a protective hair style for 6-9 months, which helped me to keep my fingers out of my hair. In April 2020 of the pandemic, when everything was shut down, including all the beauticians, I took the protective hairstyle down myself and dyed it a strawberry blond color.  You could not tell me anything! The lack of hair manipulation had been good for growth, and I loved my new length, but again I noticed a small bald spot smack dab in the middle of my head.  I thought perhaps I had cut my hair by mistake when taking down the hairdo.  After only a few weeks, the strange coil pattern and thinning resumed. Ugh!

In February of this year (2021), I visited a black, female dermatologist who specializes in ethnic hair. She performed two biopsies of my scalp and the results confirmed that I have Central Centrifugal Cicatricial Alopecia (CCCA).  CCCA is a disease characterized by permanent hair loss in the crown region of the scalp, inflammation, and scarring. It occurs almost exclusively in black women aged 30 to 55 years. What the what?!  She mentioned that once a scar forms there is permanent hair loss in that specific area. So, what is a girl to do?  Dr. Allen believed that we caught it in the early stage, so we began treatment immediately. (Please note there are different types of alopecia, so it is best to have a dermatologist diagnose it to begin the appropriate treatment.)

I am currently taking an antibiotic for acne and using a specially formulated prescription strength Minoxidil cream that comes from a pharmacy in Florida. I have also endured two series of steroid injections throughout my scalp and along the hairline. So, now we are just play the waiting game. I became so frustrated recently because it appeared that the initial spot seemed to be filling in, just as another bald spot developed in the front. Even as I type, I can feel my scalp itching in certain areas, due to scalp inflammation.

For the past two weeks, I have wrestled with the idea of getting braids, but that's not the best option right now.  Although braids are another type of protective style, if braided too tightly can cause a totally different problem, namely traction alopecia.  Although I am NOT my hair, I must admit that my coiled hair is a major part of who I am; and when that is not right, feelings of insecurity creep in.

It is the craziest feeling. Insecurity that is!

I do not care how confident you are, when there are issues with your crown, you tend to feel just a little different.  I considered the song by Indie Arie, “I Am Not My Hair”. 

 

She said it like this:

Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend? Oh
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity?
I am expressing my creativity

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations, no
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am the soul that lives within

But honestly, you do not come to this conclusion and assuredness until AFTER you have dealt with the insecurity that accompanies bald spots or thinning or whatever the hair issue. I decided rather than cover my spots by getting braids or another “protective” style, I would focus on getting my scalp healthy devoid of underlying inflammation. (I told my husband that he might have to get used to seeing his wife bald, if I actual decided to shave it off.)   Well, a sister did it…. I SHAVED MY HEAD TODAY!  My beautician said that the thinning spots actually had hair growth/peach fuzz, but it just looked like a major bald spot because the hair around it was full.  So, I told her to give me a buzz cut and a little bit of color…. And just like that, I decided to start over. No more unnecessary manipulation of my hair; just time to let it rest and grow back evenly.

I could not hide from the reality that my body had given me messages that something was not quite right internally. Rather than run and hide from the signals, my aim is to be consistent at tackling the root cause.  That means that I must increase my water intake, keep taking the acne antibiotic as prescribed, continue using the prescription cream and cut my hair short to cut down on hair manipulation. I think I might even do a 3-day cleanse, beginning Monday, to rid my body of toxins. The body is a magnificent machine that gives you warnings that it wants better. My scalp wanted better, so I decided to respect her needs so my hair can come back stronger and healthier. 

When I began twisting my hair many years ago, my grandmother said to me, “Oh baby, I like that…you have such a nice, shaped head”.  Well Granny, everyone will now have the opportunity to see this awesome dome for a while. 

As I approach 50 years of age (August 15), all the words of affirmation that I pour on others, I will bathe in as I allow myself grace to change and grow.  For now, I am bald and beautiful!  If/when my hair fills in, I will still be pulchritudinous.  My beauty does not originate from external factors, but the very core of my existence is light and beauty.  Fifty is coming in like fire, because I have set it ablaze!

So, embrace ALL of you are with or without make up; with or without hair; lean or fluffy; short or tall.  You have such a beauty that beams from the inside and lights the path of everything and everyone around you. Alopecia cannot and will not define me.  I will continue to strut my stuff with a bald head, a good pair of earrings and a bold lip.

Now walk it out…