I've betrayed myself

It's 4:00 am and I am up drinking hot lemon water (from the sexy clear coffee mug), washing clothes and watching my recorded showings of Super Soul Sunday.  I just finished watching an episode with Carolyn Myss, where she talks about intuition, grace and being true to yourself. She said that a there is nothing worse than betraying yourself.  She and Oprah likened it to being in a marriage that you know isn't good for you or staying on a job that you're not supposed to be on.  But what if you haven't experienced these big things.  You might say, "oh no that's not me...I have not betrayed myself...my marriage is fine, my kids are adjusted, I have a great job...betrayal is not my experience."  Don't jump so quickly that you miss the lesson, because I almost did.

I forgot to mention that I am up so early because I have indigestion.  I was awakened at 3:00 am with an uncomfortable knot in my throat and chest (not a heart attack because I knew the culprits).   Yesterday, I cooked dinner  before going to the gym with the husband, so we could eat a healthy meal upon our return.  However after the gym, we made a quick stop at "H & 8th" which is a new food truck event that happens on the last Friday of every month.  Food trucks are set up within a 3 block stretch and people come from all parts of the city, willing to stand in long lines to taste the cuisine and to enjoy the electric atmosphere.  It's really a fun event.  I was exhausted after the gym and just wanted to go home.  However my hubby wanted to just stop by and check it out.  So we did...

I waited in the car and when he returned, he entered the car and said, "I have one of your favorites...".  He had gotten me, fried okra.  And oh was it cooked well and quite delicious!  I ate it on the way home, still ready to eat the dinner that I had already prepared.  Once we arrived home, I realized that he had actually purchased a fried chicken wing dinner with more okra.  I gave the boys 2 of my wings and preceded with the purchased dinner.  That would have been fine, but I decided that I needed to taste what I had prepared, along with the purchased items.  (I did mention that I had just gone to the gym.  Duh...what was I thinking?) So I had officially stuffed myself, with 2 dinners and a margarita.  Hmmm, not felling so well.  But it doesn't end there...

Earlier in the day I had promised my younger son that we would make a cake.  So while we were in the kitchen, I did just that.  One strawberry cake...coming up soon!  I lounged around, while waiting for the cake to cook, cool and be frosted.  When it was finally done, I announced that the cake was ready.  Oh the squeals of excitement that coursed through our home.  Everyone was pleased and Mommy had done well for the evening.  Or had she?

Not only did I sabotage my workout with fried okra, fried chicken wings, a margarita, the prepared dinner and strawberry cake; but I had the bright idea of placing a little ice cream (that had been in the freezer for weeks) to accompany the cake.  Oh yeah I forgot to mention that at the tender age of 42, I have discovered that I am lactose intolerant.  Can this evening get any worse?

In the last 12 years or so, I have struggled with ice cream and sometimes milk (I've recently switched to rice milk).  Just 3 weeks ago after eating a small scoop of ice cream, I was doubled over in pain the next day.  A friend suggested keeping Beano in my purse, so if I ever decided to cheat again, I would be prepared. (Hmm...if I ever decided to cheat, I'd be prepared......cogitate on that for a moment.)  I have cheated since then, taken the Beano and the next morning realized that I had no gas effects, but I did have an uncomfortable knot in my chest/throat.  One would think that I would have gotten on the right track, stayed away from dairy, which would negate the need for the Beano....right?.  Obviously not, because I'm awake writing you, pain still in my chest/ throat, sipping on hot lemon water making promises to God that "if you let me get out of this one...I won't do it again".

The revelation of why I am sitting here is in a line from the prerecorded show with Oprah and Carolyn Myss.  She said, when your life path begins to harm you it means you have taken a detour and when you feel like you're losing yourself,  it means that you are betraying yourself in some way.  She goes further to say that when you betray yourself, you are no different than any other person that might have betrayed you. Oh Lawd, really?!

You mean that I can knowingly betray myself?  Although I had already messed up the evening with my horrible food choices, I took it a step further and betrayed myself by popping the Beano in my mouth before eating the ice cream. I knew what I was doing was wrong for me, but I wanted to experience  it and feel the temporary high.

You are probably saying to yourself, yeah Sharri that was pretty dumb! Let me caution you not to judge my actions so quickly, before you examine what is going on in your life.  So many of us are keeping something around for that "just in case" moment.

• Just in case my husband makes me mad, I still have my "friend's" number in my phone or on Facebook...I can just send a quick inbox or text, cause I know he'll make me feel better. Self-betrayal.
• Just in case my co-worker acts a fool, I still have that tape that could potentially damage his/her career. "They deserve it anyway". Self-betrayal.
• Just in case I'm running low on cash and I know the cashier really made a mistake by giving me too much money back, I quickly walk out the store before anyone realizes it. Self betrayal.

Okay too deep for you...try these on for size...

• I make a mistake, but I lie and blame someone else. Self betrayal.
• I'm having a bad day, so I make everyone else around me suffer. Self betrayal.
• My feelings are hurt, so I gossip about someone else to make myself feel better. Self betrayal.
• Someone drives too slowly on the highway, so I drive up beside them, 'mean-mug' or give them the finger. Self betrayal.
• I know I shouldn't have that extra glass of wine, but "we're all just having fun, one more can't hurt". Self betrayal.
• I know I should pay my tithes, but I really need a new outfit. "God wants me to look good on Sunday".  Self betrayal.
• I know I'm trying to lose weight, but I'll just hide a few snacks and indulge when I'm alone. Self betrayal.

We've all participated in some form of self-betrayal and the first thing we must do is acknowledge it.  You can't fix or adjust what you refuse to acknowledge. (I'll tweet that later.)    The opposite of betrayal is devotion, faithfulness, fidelity, honesty, loyalty, truthfulness and support to name a few.  Choose today to be honest and open with yourself. Be truthful.  Develop a relationship of fidelity with yourself. Be open to the fact that there might be a better way to accomplish that which you need to accomplish.  Don't look for the shortcut, oftentimes it will cause you more pain.

Today I will be true to myself!  No more self sabotaging behavior.  I deserve to treat myself better.

Now walk it out...

(Praise God that the pain in my throat/chest has subsided, now I'm about to walk over to my purse, get the bottle of Beano and throw it away.  No more self-betrayal...it's just too painful.)

I'm so uncomfortable...I vow to make ONE change

Have you ever picked out your clothes for work the night before, only to wake up with a different idea and then have to change the outfit because it didn't look the way that you expected.  Well that happened to me this morning.  How frustrating!

We ate late last night, after yet another baseball and basketball game.  I shared a bacon cheeseburger and fries with my son and I was actually pretty full.  However due to to the high salt content and lying down on a full stomach, I awakened with sausage fingers and toes. I was swollen.  Silly me?  I know better right?!

So what I had intended to wear was no longer in my purview.  I wrestled with a few ideas, tried on different outfits and grew more and more frustrated.  I went to the kitchen, drank some hot lemon water and stepped on the scale.  Okay, so how did my scale break from the last time I stepped on it?  Doggone scale malfunction!  The devil is a liar!

Yes the devil is a liar, but he didn't make me eat that bacon cheeseburger last night,  pasta the night before last, cake last weekend, fudge brownies last week or the sips of wine here and there (only for medicinal purposes........NOT.) I quickly realized that my diet is out-of-control!  Yes I have been going to the gym, but I've not been making the healthiest choices as far as food is concerned.  Jumping in a zumba class, but jumping on every french fry I could get my hand on.  Gliding on the elliptical machine, but mindlessly allowing that cinnamon roll to gently glide down the back of my throat.  OUT OF CONTROL, I say!

Because I have been exercising, my legs are actually pretty strong.....  I could drop kick you in a minute.  But my midsection is another story.  Muffin tops are meant to be eaten with the rest of the muffin, but this muffin top that is sitting over the top of my jeans is not appetizing.  I must make a change!

The challenge is in changing my mindset and then changing my actions.  Rather than say that I am going to eat nuts and berries for 10 days and drink only water, I decided to be a little more realistic.  (We both know that at that 11th day, I would probably binge and mess up the whole plan anyway.) I will start small and focus on being mindful.

I have decided to change one thing.....
I vow to practice mindfulness and actually taste my food.

You might be saying, Sharri that is pretty lame!  But when I think about my eating pattern, I realize that this must be MY first step.  If you've read any of my other blogs, you will realize that we are a very active family.  Because my boys have seemingly hundreds of sporting events each week and we have responsibilities at church and work, we are always on the run.  So I eat on the run and I eat between fixing meals and I eat standing up leaning over the kitchen island, rather than sitting down in a chair and allowing my food to digest properly.  I honestly can't tell you the last time that I actually tasted my food after the first bite. Why?  Because I'm always in a rush.  Yes, the first bite is always so delicious, but the rest of the meal is usually a blur. (I know that you've experienced this before, as well.)

So this morning I made the first step.  I made a banana, blueberries, strawberries and orange juice smoothie before leaving for work and it took me 2 hours to sip on it (I can usually scarf it down in 7 minutes flat).  I honed in on the little pieces of blueberry skin and the tiny seeds from the outside of the strawberry that don't totally blend.  I focussed on the sweetness of the banana that raises the smoothie to another level.  I made myself taste all of it. As I was mindful in my tasting of every component, I slowed down and enjoyed the drink.  I couldn't scarf it down, because I had to allow each sip to linger on my taste buds for a moment. "This tastes really good!  Not only that, but I don't feel bloated and full."  There was no back up in the digestive process because I allowed my body to work on it a little at a time. (By the way, I sipped the smoothie as I slowly ate a wholesome grains & cranberries nutrition bar.  I could actually taste the cranberries in the bar. Wow!)

I tell this story, not to make you change your diet, but to help you change your mindset.  Everything we do begins as a thought and whether we realize it or not, that thought quickly becomes an action and that action soon becomes a pattern.  This is about changing your mindset and making a vow to yourself to do something differently.
So for me, I want to change my eating pattern, but it begins with the vow that I made to taste my food, one bite at a time.

• You might need to change your pattern of complaining about your job, make a vow to wake up every morning in gratitude for your job.
• You might need to change your pattern of gossiping, make a vow to delete the contacts of negative people from your phone.
• You might need to change your pattern of eating, make a vow to try one new vegetable or fruit each week.
• You might need to change your pattern of living a sedentary lifestyle (you don't  have to go to the gym), make a vow to get up and walk in place during each TV commercial.
• You might need to change your pattern of belittling your children, make a vow to quote Psalm 127:3 each morning, "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him".
• You might need to change your pattern of criticizing your spouse, make a vow to say one nice thing to him/her each day.

One simple vow leads to one tiny change, which leads to a change in mindset, which will determine your actions and develop a new pattern, which ultimately makes you better!  
Focus in on that ONE pattern or habit that you need to break and start by making just ONE vow!



Now walk it out.............



(Yes, I vow to walk to that store and get my money back for that malfunctioned scale!  Okay, so maybe that's a little too extreme.  Maybe I'll just try it again in a week or so and see what it reads then. Hopefully one vow, new thoughts, new actions and a new pattern will give me a new result the next time I step on the scale.)

Sibling rivalry is REAL and so is the LOVE

Having 14- year old and 10- year old sons, you can only imagine the raging hormones in the house.  There is constant competition, constant fighting, constant bickering, constant "out-doing" one another, constant "Mom I don't know why he was born". Then in the next moment they are outside playing ball together, video games together, laughing together, watching television together and working together to gang up on me and their dad.  I think it's totally hilarious!

Well in the last few days, I have seen these too dudes show love to one another and it has completely warmed my heart.

On Saturday, Courtland was invited to a birthday party at a water park.  When he left around 1pm, Chandler was so excited to have the house to himself.  He lounged around, didn't have to share his stuff and was relieved that he wouldn't have to talk to anyone for a couple of hours.  Actually the 3 of us, went out for a little while and attended a nice event in the park.  My husband and I had 2 more events to go to, so we dropped Chandler back at the house. (It's so nice when they are old enough to be left at the house for a couple of hours.) We returned home a few hours later and  I noticed that Chandler was beginning to ask about his younger brother.   Hmmm?!

We ate dinner, lounged around and rested a while before my hubby had to get back up and continue working on his sermon.  While I'm in the kitchen, getting a snack, Chandler rolls up on me and says, "When is Courtland coming home?  He's been gone a long time.  Can you have that much fun at a water park?" To which I replied, "who would make a boring a water park, of course, he's having fun".  

I got so tickled because what he couldn't say was that he actually missed his little brother.  That although the house was quiet, it was too quiet for him because his little (annoying) brother wasn't around.  Well his brother arrived shortly after 8 pm.  Guess who was standing behind me at the door when he pulled up? (Don't worry Babe, I won't expose you and make you turn in your player card...I'll just blog about it.)   In a matter of moments, the house was once again filled with laughter and chatter.

They can't stand each other at times, but they don't want to be separated for too long either. Hilarious!

Well last night, I saw the tables turn once again.

Chandler had a full day yesterday.  He had football team power camp at 6:30 am.  Went to the gym with his father around 1:30pm to play several basketball games with the medical students, went to VBS and had 2 basketball games last night (the first one began at 8:45pm).  A full day!  

Everyone who knows Chandler can appreciate that he's a hard worker on the field or the court.  He sweats like crazy and leaves his all on the court.  During the 2nd game, I saw him go down after a shot.  When he didn't pop back up, his coach went to him and "Dr. Mom" left the stands to get to the court, as well.  He was having a Lebron moment.  Really?! My baby's calf was cramping like crazy.  I have never seen a muscle knot up quite like that.  His coach had his foot and was stretching his leg out, while I massaged his calf and applied ice.  

Enter the little brother...

Courtland was my gatorade guy and our water bottle boy.  After the game, we dropped them off at home so we could make a quick run to the store and pick up bananas for a smoothie.  My phone rang, a call from Chandler's phone, but when I answered it...it was Courtland's voice.  He was asking questions about his brother.  "Mom, should he take a warm shower or a cold shower?  Mom, I gave him some more ice."  (Look at the little caregiver!)

After arriving back home and making an Elvis smoothie (bananas, peanut butter, chocolate protein powder, milk and ice) for him, we said goodnight to the boys and my hubby and I cleaned up the kitchen.  Thirty minutes later, as I made my way to the bedroom, I noticed that Courtland was not in his room.   As I walked towards Chandler's room, I was about to go into mean-mommy-mode and start fussing about getting in the bed. (I just knew they were up playing video games.)

When I got to his room, I saw the most beautiful thing!  Chandler was sprawled out on his bed as usual and lying right beside him, wrapped in a white comforter was his little angel.  Courtland had gotten in the bed with his brother and there they were lying head-to-toe.  No fighting, no bickering, no competition....just snoring.   Man-down and brother came to the rescue!

So when your children are fighting and act as if they can't stand each other, know that they really do have each other's back when life gets tough.  They showed me in these 2 instances that they truly are, "my brother's keeper".

Now walk it out....