Give yourself a little grace: the best form of #selfcare

Give yourself a little grace: the best form of #selfcare.

We have all shown kindness to someone and told them how things will turn out fine.  We have helped to quash their fears and anxieties. Many of us have become the biggest cheerleaders for other people.  However, when it comes to forgiving ourselves for mistakes or misjudgments, we tend to speak self-doubt. As kids we used to make mistakes and keep on playing, quickly moving on to the next thing.  However, as adults, we have developed an amazing sound system in our heads that continuously repeats the same soundtrack. The track replays words like, “You should not have done that.” ;“You know better.”; and  “What will THEY think?” We repeat our sorrows, our mishaps, our missteps, our troubles only to end up back where we started, in regret.

Today, I invite you to learn a different mechanism and play a different soundtrack.  Trust me, you deserve it.  My mother-in-law used to always tell me that “you can’t give from an empty cup”, which was always my signal that I was running too much or being too hard on myself and just needed to sit down for a moment to catch my breath.  On the last day of January, here are five easy steps to continue the year and jumpstart your latest “self-care” regimen. 

#1 – PAUSE

When you notice that you have lost your center, simply pause.  Sometimes we are so busy helping others that we fail to realize that we have reached our limit and need help.  Ask yourself some questions:

• v How do I feel?
• v What are my thought patterns?
• v Why am I snapping at people?

Pause for a moment to place yourself at the center of YOUR world.  Be concerned about what is troubling you. Just PAUSE for a moment to prepare yourself to learn something new about yourself and your current situation.

#2 - BREATHE

Deep breathing resets your internal system and triggers your body to act differently.  Put one hand on your chest and the other on your belly. Breathe in for a count of 4 and exhale for a count of 8.  The goal is to rid the body of any negative feelings and thought patterns that have invaded your body.

• v Inhale peace, exhale pain
• v Inhale serenity, exhale sorrow
• v Inhale calm, exhale chaos

You have the power to shift the perception of any situation simply by taking a deep breath.  Every morning and evening, I pause to listen to my “Shine” app, which was created by a group of multicultural women.  There is a soothing calmness about their insights and one of the main features is learning to BREATHE.  When you place one hand on your chest and the other on your belly and focus on how your body feels as your chest cavity and diaphragm rises and falls with each inhalation and exhalation.  When your focus is there, your cares melt away for that moment in time.  I have found that now that I practice deep breathing daily, I am able to calm myself at any point throughout the day.

#3 – RECENTER

People who talk to themselves are oftentimes seen as crazy or delusional.  I would like to change the narrative in this instance.  Sometimes it is absolutely necessary to encourage yourself by speaking out loud.  Negative thoughts are usually the things that run around in our heads and keep us in silent pain.  Positive self-talk shifts the atmosphere.  The air changes around you when you speak encouraging words aloud.  As the atmosphere shifts, your body shifts simultaneously and you begin to regain your center.

Come on, give it a try…

• v I am beautiful.  #shiftandrecenter
• v I am powerful. #shiftandrecenter
• v Everything that I need already lies within me. #shiftandrecenter
• v I am worthy to put myself first. I am a priority! #shiftandrecenter

Do you feel it? The shift is happening right there in your at the cellular level.

#4-INVITE

Only invite people to be into your space who understand that your peace is paramount.  Invite only those things that feed your soul.  Fill your space with positivity and do not feel bad if you must leave some family or friends behind.  The pandemic has shown us so much.  The fact that we have been isolated and away from many of our friends as actually been liberating for so many.  Even as we recently went through the holiday season, if we followed CDC recommendations, we could not have those big family gatherings.  If you are to be honest, you have allowed too many individuals to sit at your table and you all have outgrown the space.  Still good people, but no longer in your circle and THAT HAS GOT TO BE OKAY WITH YOU.  Now you have the leisure and pleasure of inviting ONLY those individuals back into your circle who feed your soul.  I am reminded of the scripture that many quote out of Genesis, “May the Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent from one another”.  Well Ma’am and Sir, the Lord will continue to watch between us while we are absent, which will be forever.  Love you, but no longer invited into my space. Say it with me people, “I have grown”.

#5- RESET & Move Forward

Oftentimes, we have situations that keep us bound. We focus on the wrong things in the past and simply cannot seem to start over.  It is alright to begin anew.  Even as we have entered the year 2021, we can reset as we leave some of those hurts, fears, and pains behind us in 2020.

• v New mindset
• v New determination
• v New outlook
• v New goals
• v New dreams
• v New peace
• v New joy

Self-care is what is needed today.  Give yourself a little grace for what you did or did not do or for what you may have missed. You deserve the same grace that you freely give others. So, as we continue to move throughout this year, practice #selfcare by showing yourself a little grace. It is time to hit the reset button and begin anew.  Extend grace to yourself and keep it moving.

 

~PAUSE-BREATHE-RECENTER-INVITE-RESET~

 

Now walk it out…

 

Blanketed by snow, Covered by God

 Today is January 1, 2021.  New Year's Day.

This day signals a day of new beginnings.  One finally gets a fresh start.  The time is yours to seize, with the latest resolutions in hand.

    We can all attest that 2020 has been a doozy!  The year began as a normal new year: people planned trips, began diets, promised to exercise, determined to make better grades, planned to save/ invest more money, desired to start businesses, and so much more.  New year...fresh start!  All seemed to be going well until we heard a scattering of news stories mentioning a virus that was sweeping across the world and taking people out of here.  Here, in the United States, we weren't initially alarmed due to a false sense of security, a belief that nothing could really hurt us and the bumbling idiot in government.  The beginnings of a coverup that would soon be uncovered by thousands in New York becoming ill.  When the lies could no longer be swept under a rug, the government finally began shutting States down, in order to save lives and get a handle on this virus.  It finally had a name the corona virus or COVID-19 and we were all warned to "shelter in place", stay home, wear masks, hand sanitize and clean surfaces.  Day by day, week by week, month after month we learned more and developed more safety precautions to keep our families safe.  Schools went online, Zoom became the formal meeting place and hang out spot, drive-by birthday celebrations were all the rage, and we noticed more people walking and exercising in nature.  Unfortunately, many people lost wages and more disturbingly, lost loved ones. Yes, 2020 has indeed been a doozy!

    At another glance, 2020 has taught us so much about ourselves and how to determine what is truly necessary to survive.  Churches realized that the building was ONLY a building and that most of the things that had taken place there previously were unnecessary. Many of the individuals who held these coveted positions of leadership, were actually there for the title, not for the people. The quarantine forced churches to take the saying "beyond the 4 walls" and put it into action.  My husband and I, along with our team, were determined to stay connected to our members and gained virtual members along the way.  Ministry became international in an instant.  Those churches who made the shift and focused on the virtual space are doing strong ministry today, still mostly virtual.

    Schools were exposed during this time.  Those schools who truly embraced the virtual platform continue to thrive today.  Those who were focused on returning to buildings, which were not safe, teeter back and forth between brick & mortar and virtual, due to increasing COVID cases.  On a personal note, we had to make a family decision for our 16-year-old not to play basketball this season. #heartbreaking This was most devastating to have to tell him that he could not experience the camaraderie with the team this season, because there were so many uncertainties about the virus. He was disappointed, but quickly realized that all we aim to do is to keep him safe.  I am so glad that we made that decision because every sport has been interrupted this season, due to exposure and infection cases on the team or in their families.

    This time has taught us to look at society and recognize the real MVPs. The healthcare workers never stopped sacrificing their time to care for so many sick individuals.  They had to also become social workers and counselors, as families were separated from their loved ones.  But this time has also shown us another group of real MVPs:  grocery store employees, who NEVER stopped working and stocking shelves to keep our families fed and those truck drivers who supplied those markets.   We can honestly say that many of us increased our online shopping, whether we need to or not, so big shout outs to the shipping companies and their drivers who delivered all of those packages.  Postal workers continued to walk the neighborhoods delivering mail, as well.  Whether you are the head of a company, in a position of power or in a high paying job, you still need essentials and that only comes through many of these individuals.  Even the CEOs use toilet paper!  So, ALL of us are necessary. #eyeopening

    Many of us have truly learned the meaning of #selfcare.  What small things can you do consistently each day to pour into your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being?  We have all begun to figure that out.  When my husband and I contracted COVID-19 after the City ice storm in October, we had to sit back and reevaluate what we truly needed for ourselves and our family to thrive.  Half of the things we used to worry about were a waste of time.  We are learning daily to appreciate each other's company and conversation more and more.  He makes me laugh, between the times where I want to choke him (ha), but I love every minute of it.  Even in close quarters for the last 10 months, we appreciate together time and  know the importance of quiet, individual time.  After 23 years of marriage, almost 30 years of being in relationship, we still give each other grace to grow.  

    Our sons, make us so proud!  Watching how they have both pivoted during this time and are truly becoming young leaders, who are embracing their passions makes me anticipate the future.  They will be fine! Yes, the pandemic has forced them to stop some things, but I believe this time has forced them to wrestle some questions about what they want to do with their lives.  My 16-year-old still has time to find his passion and we will give him space to do that.  Our goal is to make sure that he is getting a good education and to keep exposing him to different things, although much of it is still virtual.  My 20-year-old, who was already "Mr. Hospitality" has walked into what makes him happy.  He has developed his company website and is building relationships through photography, videography, and production.  We recognized a long time ago that he was not a 9 to 5, cubicle type of dude; he needed to move around and make his own way.  Quarantine showed him what he was really good at and what passions drive him.  God is faithful and has blessed our boys! #grateful

    Last night was the first time in my entire life that I was not physically in the church house for Watchnight service.  Growing up, I spent every New Year's Eve in worship and that only continued when Byron and I moved to OKC.  Our church was the Watchnight service hub, where anyone who came (before or after the party) ended the old year and began the new year praising God with church members, which usually ended with a full breakfast in the fellowship hall.  Again, due to the pandemic, virtual worship has become our method of ministry.  We prerecorded the service on Tuesday, people sent in their video clips and our production team performed a miracle which we presented to the people with excellence.  To God be the glory!  Well, when it started raining and icing after 10 pm, I was so glad that we were not in the building.  Had we been there, our people would have been traveling in rainy conditions and icy roadways.  By the time the clock struck midnight, I was lying in bed and knew that the rain had quickly turned to snow.

    Well praise be to God, when I opened my eyes this morning EVERYTHING outside was covered by snow.  There was a beautiful blanket of fluffy snow in my backyard. Wow!  I opened the blinds in the mancave and enjoyed my hot water, with lemon, watching the flurries still blowing through the sky.  What a beautiful sight! The thing that kept resonating in my spirit was "I've got you covered".  (On our thanksgiving Zoom call, my eldest brother shared with us that God had our backs. #greatreminder) But as the snow blanketed the ground this morning, my heart sensed God's covering over every area of my life.  Last night, there were stormy conditions that could have been dangerous to traverse.  Those of us who were affected by October's ice storm were a little scared when the meteorologist mentioned icy conditions.  The cold weather prompted many of us to turn the heat up in our homes.  I am reminded of the scripture, "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning".  My joy this morning was seeing the snow and experiencing nature.  Again, I felt completely surrounded and covered by God.

So regardless of the heartache of last year, recognize that you are "covered by God".

• Fears and anxieties, "covered by God"
• Depression and isolation, "covered by God"
• Lots of money or no money, "covered by God"
• Sickness and even death, still "covered by God"
• A break in the normal, "covered by God"
• Stretched to the limit, "covered by God"
• Friends lost and true friends found, "covered by God"
• Ups & downs, twists & turns, "covered by God"
• Haven't figured everything out yet, "covered by God"
• Losses & gains, "covered by God"

    No matter what we have all experienced in 2020, we are yet "covered by God".  I am grateful for every hard lesson learned this past year and for every new way forged. I rest in the knowledge that whatever may come my way in 2021, I am covered by God.

If you believe you, too, are covered, put on some snow boots and ..........................walk it out.

Happy New Year 2021, you are already covered by God!

It's time to replant!

This semester in seminary, I am taking a writing course.  I'm a blogger and like to tell narratives that come alive on paper.  Academic writing is an entirely different ballgame, so I'm excited about the opportunity to increase my writing skills.  One of the writing prompts this week was to share one of our earliest memories of writing.

This is what came to mind...

I am not quite certain that I remember in detail my first writing experience, but I do know that I was a letter writer.  I used to write my mother little notes to express my feelings.  Wait, I do remember something!

My mother loved plants and in front of the back-glass patio door was her table full of different types of plants.  Each day, I watched her talk to them, water them, pick off dead pieces and just smile as she watched them grow.  One evening, while my parents were out, my little brother and I were playing around and I fell on the table, knocking one of the pots to the floor.  The plant came unrooted and one of the branches snapped.  I'm pretty sure horror was plastered across my face! I scrambled to pick it up and clean up the mess.  I tried to pack the dirt back down and stuffed the broken limb back into the dirt. 

For the rest of the evening, I watched the plant table to see if anything would change.  Would anyone notice that it looked different?  Would the other plants on the table expose my clumsiness?  My stomach was in knots! After giving the plants the ‘side-eye’ for the rest of the evening, it was time to go to bed.  My older brother coaxed us into going upstairs and getting in the bed before Mommy and Daddy returned.  But something was not right.  I had a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach.  What was worse, breaking Mommy’s plant or acting as if nothing ever happened, which was really lying about it?  So, what did scary Sharri do? 

I went back in the den, picked up the weary plant, placed it on the kitchen table and wrote Mommy a note of apology before going to my room.  I do not remember the exact words, but I can feel the sentiment even now.  I expressed in the letter how sorry I was to break her plant and I would pay for her to get another one.  After having bared my soul in the letter, I went to bed.  The next morning, when I came down to the breakfast table, the plant was gone, the note was gone, and no one ever mentioned a word about it. It was at that point that I realized to always be honest, not just in my behavior, but honest in my writing as well.  Thanks Mommy!

First of all, kudos to Mommy for giving me the space to be a kid.  Retelling this story makes me think about how important grace is.  She could have responded in so many different ways, but maybe my authenticity connected with her spirit and she already felt my repentant nature.  I hope that I have been able to show this type of grace to my children.

This also showed me something about opening your heart to people and being authentic.  At my core, I wanted Mommy to not be hurt that her beloved plant had been uprooted.  But she probably looked at me as that little plant that would be uprooted time and time again throughout my life.  She knew that the plant wasn't dead, it just needed to be replanted.  Of course, I didn't know that.  Maybe that was a lesson in life that what appears to be broken, really isn't.  Yes, the foundation may have shifted, but it can be replanted and the dirt gently packed around the roots once again.

What you thought was lost and over, is not.  The dirt has only shifted, go back and replant it another way.

Now show yourself some grace, start replanting, and walk it out....

Surrounded by Love

     Last night, I began to anticipate the morning when I would turn 49 years old.  My mind went back in time and I immediately thought of my mother.  Had she been excited knowing that she was about to deliver a baby who almost didn't make it here?  This bundle of joy, ME, who was probably kicking around trying to find some more space in the womb was the same little surprise which kept my mother from having surgery 9 months earlier.  She was scheduled to go in for a procedure, because she had a history with female reproductive issues.  However, as they were prepping her, they took another blood test and said "Mrs. Mattison, you will not be having the procedure today BECAUSE YOU ARE PREGNANT".   I can only imagine how my mother prayed over me for the next 9 months, waiting for the day that we would meet face-to-face.  In fact, it was a Sunday morning that she would miss singing in church, because I was ready to make my entrance into the world. Today, I thought about her.  Oh, if she could see me now!  She'd probably look at me and start crying as she retold this same story.  Her baby-girl was a fighter and was meant to be here.  Thinking of her, as my introduction into and the guide through this world makes me smile.

    Another thing that makes me smile is the love of my husband and my boys.  Earlier in the week, Byron mentioned that he would put me up in a hotel so I could do my nails, read or sleep without any disturbances. Just kick back and enjoy my birthday in solitude. I did not reject the idea because honestly I had already had a thought of doing a solo 'stay-cation'. (Mama just needed a moment.)  He booked the reservation, but I wasn't as excited as I thought I would be. I woke up at 5 am and was happy to clean my house, while everyone still slept.  I ran out to a store for what I thought would be a quick trip and stayed too long.  Ugh!  All I wanted to do was go home, to my people and my own bed. The longer I remained out of the house, the stronger the urge was to just get back home.  When I made it back to the house to pack for my overnight stay, I had to tell Byron that I no longer wanted to go.  He was baffled, but I was resolute. I cancelled the reservation.  What made me happy was that he felt me, he heard me and just wanted to do something nice JUST FOR ME.  However the urge was to spend MY day with MY family.  Once I decided to stay home, Byron and Courtland immediately left home to pick up an ice cream cake (a childhood favorite) and some goodies.  I did my own manicure and pedicure in the living room, while watching a silly movie.  We ordered take out and just enjoyed a nice afternoon/evening together.  As the evening comes to a close and I sit in bed typing this, I realize how blessed I am.  I was loved immensely when I entered this world and at the tender age of 49, I'm still surrounded by love.  I'm grateful!

Now when they get the call one day next week that I'm not coming home, it's because I decided to go for my one-night stay-cation after all. Ha!  On that note........let's walk it out.

Center yourself

     When was the last time you noticed the ground under your feet and how your feet rested on top of the ground?  When was the last time that you felt the chair supporting you?  When was the last time that you sat so quietly that you could hear the tiniest gnat flutter past your ear? When was the last time that you recognized and acknowledged that as you take oxygen into your body, your rib cage actually expands;  and as you exhale, your chest once again falls to resting position?  When was the last time that you were so in tune with the earth that you could hear the steady rhythm drawing you to your center?

If you don't remember the last time, then I invite you to pause now to feel, recognize and acknowledge all of those things aforementioned.

Go ahead...it's your time.  Take a few moments to engage with what you've just read.

Nope, not ready; you haven't done it yet!

Pause......

Breathe in for 4 counts & breathe out for 8 counts.
Again, breathe in for 4 counts & breathe out for 8 counts.
And again, in for 4 counts & breathe out for 8 counts.
Last time, breathe in for 4 counts & breathe out for 8 counts.

Now take time to notice how you feel.

Feel calmer? Heart rate slow down a tad? Do you feel a little warmer? Feel lighter?

If you said yes, to any of these questions then you have probably begun to move back towards YOUR center.  If you answered no to more than one, then repeat the exercise.

During this tumultuous health crisis in our country and around the globe, it's easy to simply lose yourself in the news and hysteria.  You see people running to the store and hoarding and suddenly the fight or flight system is activated in you and you find yourself acting out of character. When this happens, it's time for you to center yourself.

This is not an exercise intended for you to extract yourself from the world and forget about all of your problems; but it is a time to say "I will create a space for myself in this world to recognize and appreciate that I am here and fully engaged".

Just a brief pause...
A moment of recognition...
A glimpse of gratitude...
A time of solace and stillness..
A meditative moment...
A time of tranquility...

And if ever you feel yourself over-stimulated by the latest news reports, repeat this exercise and choose: Faith over fear, Peace over panic and Harmony over hysteria.

God sees, God knows, and God loves...now take comfort in that and walk it out...


Not too far left...

                                                                                                                               ...Not too far right

CENTER

Not so easy today

Today was my first day back at work and Courtland's first day back to school, after the Christmas break.  We got in late last night because he had basketball games yesterday evening.  It ended with all of us falling over in the bed last night.  So my morning quiet time was cut short because we woke up running and on a mission today.

I worked all day, had to do after school pick-up, grabbed dinner for the family, went to Bible study and had a staff meeting afterwards.  Umm, I think home-girl is a little tired.  But as soon as I walked through the door, I realized that I had not completed my 21 minutes of exercise today.  "Let's go Arby...time to get your leash and go for a moonlit stroll".

And so Arby and I set out at 9:21pm ready to get our exercise on.  I turned on my gospel music station, put the phone in my pocket, with a leash in one hand and a golf club in my other hand.  This was my "quiet" time with God.  For those 21 minutes, I was able to pray and talk with God; such a beautiful time alone, yet together.  There were a couple of things that I needed to leave at the feet of Jesus.  I prayed "Lord take this anxiety away" and as quickly as I said it, I had to rephrase and say, "Lord, I give you my anxiety".  At that moment I realized that the power was in my hands.  If I don't want it, it's up to me to LET GO OF IT.  (I swear, I'm trying not to pick it back up again. Ha!...pray for a Sista.)

Today was not a perfect prayer time, but it was still meaningful because I had an opportunity to share my heart with God, knowing that I had been heard.  Whether you are riding in your car, lying in your bed, walking across the street or sitting at a table, your life can always be a prayer.  Your prayer life doesn't have to be hard, just open your mouth (and heart) and begin talking with God.

Now walk it out....

Work on YOU!

Welcome Back Friends.

Two nights ago,  the Golden Globe Awards Show was on the television.  I was doing something else, but I remember looking up periodically and the movie 'Marriage Story' had been nominated in several categories.  Because my hubby and I host an annual marriage retreat, I was intrigued.

Last night after running around together as a family, we decided to go to our own corners of the house and watch whatever we wanted to watch on television.  I'm really not an action flick chic...I am more the romantic comedy or sappy love story, so I chose the movie, " Marriage Story" and no one dared to bother me. Ha!

I hadn't watched the trailer, so I really didn't know what the movie was about.  I just turned it on, and sat down with a bowl of cheerios, ready to be entertained.  I was surprised after the first scene that this movie was not about a happy, loving marriage building and growing stronger together; but rather it is described as an "incisive and compassionate look at a marriage breaking up and a family staying together".

Break up?! Umm...not quite was I was looking for, as the co-host of a marriage retreat where our goal is to strengthen marriages...BUT IT SPOKE TO ME.

The movie is poetic as it begins from the viewpoint of each spouse writing down and telling why they fell in love with the other individual, then the rest of the movie away from that.  I won't give it away if you haven't seen it, but I will share with you the lessons that were learned.  

Number one lesson:  Be true to who you really are.  This can apply to your marriage, friendships, family, workplace interactions, etc...  So many times we enter relationships and because we've been together for a long time we think that one must begin compromising oneself away, so as not to ruffle any feathers.  Initially, you may have set out building relationship and trusting one another, then you hit a bump in the road and realize that "I don't want to do it like that anymore".  Speak up!  Not to hurt the other individual, but rather to let them know what s going on inside of you.  You are cheating the other individual out of getting to know and love the real you.

Number two lesson:  Give grace to allow others to grow.  First of all, I hope you are engaged in relationships where you can be authentically open and honest with one another.  Relationships are not static, but dynamic and ever-evolving and we must allow grace for the other individual to grow.  Who they were 20 years ago is probably not the exact replica today.  Heck, depending on what happened 2 weeks ago, they have already begun to shift just a little bit.  Take a deep breath.....it's going to be alright.  Change is inevitable...the key is giving grace and allowing that change to take place.  

Number three:  Be clear in your expectations and check in periodically, when you are not in crisis mode.  In the movie, there was a scene where the individuals started out having a cordial conversation, then it shifted totally when they began to share what their experience was within the relationship.  Each one of them had their own version of what had happened in the marriage and they spoke to the other person with such vitriol.  Uh, it was so painful to watch!!!  But when it was over, they both stood in heartache, tears, regret and yes, even forgiveness.  If you work a 9 to 5 job, at some point you've had a quarterly or yearly review.  This is the time when a supervisor has an opportunity to review your work and share (hopefully positive) feedback with you.  It is difficult not to fight back, if the supervisor disagrees with your work; but it is necessary to receive the comments so you can grow and become a better employee.  (Side note: If you don't like the review system, you might want to start your own company and be your own boss. Ha!)  This extremely difficult conversation was the shift for them and they actually began building and working together to create the best environment for their son.  

You might be wondering, "so what are you saying Sharri?' This is not 'happy new year' language!".  But I beg to differ....

The beginning of a new year is the perfect time to reevaluate ALL of your relationships.  Have discussions with your people to make sure that you are being authentic and bringing the best version of yourself to the table.  If you are not being true to yourself,  how in the world can you be true to others?  Take a moment to get away and spend quiet time with yourself, then go back and check in with those with whom you are relationship.  When Mommy transitioned in 2013, I began to see life a little differently.  But Baby.....when Daddy transitioned (almost a year ago), my entire universe sHiFtEd.  I'm so grateful to those around me who have given me grace to hurt, stretch and evolve.  But I'm also patting myself on the shoulder for not allowing myself to become stagnant, but rather giving myself an opportunity to experience new things and take flight.

Do the self-work this January! Set yourself up for authenticity and success, by digging deep and uncovering the better version of yourself.  You are worth it and all of your relationships will be better because you've done the work.

During these 21 days, dig deep and get ready to emerge so you can..... walk it out.