This has been a
physically exhausting and mentally draining week. Last month, January 18th, Daddy
took his last breath and life changed forever.
Although it may sound strange but, for a while, I felt as if I was alone
in the world. The 2 individuals who
shared a love, which ultimately produced my 3 brothers and me, were both
gone. It’s an interesting feeling to say
the least. As I was speaking with one of
my brothers, who shared the same sentiment, I realized that we received such a
strong foundation from Mommy and Daddy that we had only ONE option….
It is now up to
us to use THEIR foundation as OUR launching pad. As I attempted to encourage him, I was
actually encouraging myself and giving myself a “call to action”.
So my week went
like this…. I had a cold when I led praise and worship, at my church, last
Sunday. By Sunday evening, the mucus had
settled on my vocal cords and I was hoarse.
Monday morning, I caught a 5am flight from OKC to Philly to begin
settling Daddy’s accounts and getting the rest of the furniture out of his
apartment. (Praise God, we were able to
bless people by GIVING Daddy’s items away.
No estate sale; just giving in LOVE.)
It was stressful, because the apartment needed to be cleared so we
wouldn’t be charged for another month.
Although my aunts wanted me to stay with them, I needed to be at Daddy’s
apartment to give myself closure. As the
apartment emptied, I realized that Daddy’s physical body was just a shell. His spirit is what gave it life and I know
that I carry a part of him with me.
Nevertheless, it was quite surreal to lock the apartment for the last
time, to walk down the Parkview apartment hallway for the last time, to catch
the slowest elevator (ever) for the last time, to check his mailbox for the
last time and to turn his keys into the office.
This was it, but it wasn’t the end of the story!
My return flight
back to Philly was leaving Wednesday, Feb. 27th at 6 pm.
I needed to get back to OKC because the next day I had been invited to
audition for a musical show (I shall
not say the name.) and Byron and I had to drive out of town to make the
audition appointment.
So let’s go back….
Just a few weeks
earlier, I’d heard a commercial on satellite radio about auditioning for a show
that we love to watch. You know when
you’re watching shows like that and people say “ you should be there”, I would
always brush it under the rug because I was simply afraid to put myself out there. This year, I reminded myself what I’d been
preaching all of 2018….my one word…..FEARLESS.
So I opened the website and immediately began the online
submission. I answered questions, had to
record myself singing, upload another video and choose an audition city. Well of course I chose the City closest to
me. What was funny to me .... the
date of the audition was Feb. 28th.
February 28th, 6 years ago, my
mother died. February 28th is
also the last day to get Daddy’s things out of his Philadelphia apartment. February 28th ; Really?!….I JUST HAD TO DO IT!
There was still
no guarantee, but I was proud of myself for putting myself out there. I honestly didn’t think I’d advance because I
was sick when I recorded my video. But
then last week, I received a call from a casting agent inviting me to go to the
next step…the live audition. Oh my!
So here I was
landing back in OKC @midnight on Wednesday (still hoarse), greeting my family,
washing a load of clothes, repacking my suitcase and waking up at 4am Thursday
so Byron and I could drive to the audition City. What a crazy 24 hours!!!
We arrived in the city an hour before my audition. I
went in Target to change into my outfit and to get a medicine ball tea from
Starbucks. #stillhoarse Ugh! This whole
thing is just so funny to me! I walked
into the hotel, got my legal packet, and sat and waited as I talked to other
individuals who would be auditioning. I
smiled, I talked, I laughed, I COUGHED, I listened and watched the other contestants
either talking nonstop out of nervousness or sitting quietly. I listened to stories of how some of them had
auditioned in previous seasons or had gone to other musical shows to
audition. In my group, they were so much
younger than myself and had this youthful bravado (remember, I am 47 and fabulous).
They talked about warming up and doing vocal acrobatics that morning and
I’m laughing to myself....Geesh, I’m just
trying to clear this crud off of my vocal cords. I was so far out of my element, but I was
meant to be there!
Anyway, they
called me back. I would have under 60
seconds to sing 2 songs. Wait, WHAT?! It usually takes me a whole verse to even feel
the song. Anyway, I walked into the room,
stepped into the green box, stood on the yellow square and introduced
myself. Nervous yes, but before I sang I
said, “ Six years ago today my mother transitioned, I know she is right here
with me and I’m going to sing one of her original songs”. One lady at the table asked the name of the
song, I told her ”So glad He came” and began to sing. Y’all when I started the 1st line,
I knew I was off…I trembled and then cracked twice throughout the
delivery. But a sista kept going. Ha! I
recovered and finished the song, but I knew that when you made it to this
level, there was NO room for any flaws.
I stepped out of the room quickly and they called me back in to say
graciously, “thank you, but not at this time”.
I smiled, said thank you and proceeded to grab my things. As I was about to leave the room, the same
woman who’d asked the title of the song said, “I’m sorry for your loss, it must
be difficult for you”. I thanked her,
stepped out of the room, called Byron to pick me up and walked back to the
faces of the group that I’d just sat with.
I told them I didn’t advance, but blessings to them.
I replayed the
words in my head….“I’m sorry for your
loss, it must be difficult for you”.
And I thought to myself, ma’am you don’t know the half…I’d mentioned my
mother in the audition, but I hadn’t told them that I had just buried my father
6 WEEKS ago. The funny thing was……I
wasn’t struggling at the moment! I stood
in my agency and sang a song of Mommy’s and did something that she would have NEVER
thought she was good enough to do.
Auditioning that day was not about making it to the final stage (although it would have been pretty cool… I’m
not gonna lie); it was about me reclaiming February 28th, not as
a day of mourning BUT rather a day of celebration as I stood in my own
truth. I was fearless, confident, calm
and yes, hoarse. I cracked and recovered. I exited with my head up and wished others well. Then Byron and I went shopping. Ha!
I am grateful
for the experience! I stepped out of my
comfort zone to do something that, before last year, would have never had the
guts to do. I put Mommy’s music out
there into the atmosphere and I’m sure she smiled and nudged Daddy, saying,
‘look out our girl…I always knew she was pretty gutsy’.
Why do I tell you this? ……………to encourage you of course.
Death of a loved
one is a funny thing. You go through so
many emotions and sometimes, if you’re not careful, you get lost in your
loss. I have realized that with the
transition of Mommy, 6 years ago, and Daddy, just 6 weeks ago, I can’t allow it
to swallow me up. Yes, I miss them. Yes, I love them. Yes, I’m tripping because I can’t pick up the
phone and call them. Especially with
Daddy! I think I had pretty much accepted Mommy’s death after all of these
years; but I was just in Philly with Daddy flying back and forth making sure he
was doing alright. In just 2 1/2 months,
he was gone; now I was left with the honor of settling his affairs. Just crazy!
Many of us are
in this sandwich generation and realize that our parents will not be here
forever. We know that is true, but now I
KNOW it as a reality. It stinks and
stings, but it’s part of the circle of life.
We can choose to crawl up in a corner, shrivel up and die, trapped in
the sorrowful memories of death OR we can use the strong foundation and leap,
celebrating the memories of a life well lived.
I choose to leap and I invite you to do the same.
The audition
wasn’t the beginning for me. Filling out
the online application was my #SHIFT.
Making myself vulnerable for a few moments has bolstered me into going
after even bigger things in the future.
I am no longer afraid! My parents
prayed too much, fasted too long and cried too loudly for me to just sit here
and become immobilized by grief or fear.
The farther I go, the more I bring honor to their names. I didn’t get here alone….James and Nelda
Mattison submitted themselves to God and sacrificed for Dr. Sharri Lor Mattison
Coleman to walk in her truth and be the ‘bomb-dot-com’(oh yes I am). I know I will
have moments of sadness and might cry when I talk about them, but I will not
crumble. I will stand in my truth and
honor them as I honor the God in me.
February 28th
and January 18th are still great days on the calendar. I invite you to reclaim whatever your date
is. Do something you’ve never done
before. Go somewhere you’ve never been before.
Allow that day to be the beginning of a new YOU!
Now walk it out...
