It's funny how God will sometimes use the craziest thing to get our attention.
About a week ago, Daddy and I were talking and he mentioned that his apartment building was changing phone, cable and internet service. His phone carrier would no longer be needed, because he was being upgraded. He was excited because he would now have free internet, although he has no computer, nor does he know what WiFi is all about. (This man doesn't even text, so his interest in technology is quite amusing to me.)
Last night, we had a great choir rehearsal. We sang, we laughed and we praised. I taught two of Mommy's original songs, "So Glad He Came" and "Happy Birthday Jesus". Choir rehearsal was light-hearted and even comical at times. Whenever we meet, we always close out the rehearsal with prayer requests and praise reports. It's an opportunity for us to hear each others hearts and offer support and encouragement. Many expressed their loss for loved ones and how difficult it was during this time.
As we move closer to Christmas, we recognize that people feel death even more than they did in the summer or any other time of the year. The Thanksgiving/Christmas/ New Year season is a time where you think about family and reminisce over childhood memories. It seems that this time of year brings out the best, while oftentimes causing silent anguish in the life of those missing loved ones. I know that God has given me a heart for people, so I can commiserate with you while at the same time help you move past that pain. Kinda like speaking to your pain and causing you to think more positive thoughts. Well last night, I think the Lord pricked my heart, just a little, so I could really feel what others might be feeling.
When I returned home from choir rehearsal, I decided to call Daddy. He has a cold, so I've been calling EVERY day to make sure he's drinking enough water and getting proper rest. (The Lord has definitely blessed him at 85 years young.) I called his house phone and was utterly confused!!! I sat there in a daze before dialing his cell phone. It took me a couple of minutes to process the information, then it hit me like a punch in the gut. Daddy's new phone service changed my life forever. She was gone! After 4 years, 9 months and 2 days, Mommy's voice was gone in an instant. What you don't know is....my mother's voice was still on my parent's home answering machine. I remember when she passed in 2013, some of my family members would never call Daddy on the house phone because it was too painful to hear her voice. Not me! That was my tiny little pleasure; my slice of heaven; my connection to Mommy. Whenever I wanted to talk to her, I'd simply call the house, hear her voice and have a conversation. We still had that special Mommy-daughter connection that no one else knew about. It was just me and my Mommy! I had to quickly pull it together and call Daddy on his cell phone. We talked and as soon as we hung up, I dialed the house phone again. Once again, the generic voice of the answering machine continued, "no one is available at (215) blah blah blah - blah blah blah blah"! (Whatever Lady. Ugh!)
I sat on the floor for a minute, just staring into nothingness. My husband called me into the room for something and as I walked towards him, I began to cry. All I could do was whisper, "she's gone". As I began to recount the story, he caught on immediately and nodded " the answering machine". After taking a shower and getting ready for bed, I was better but extremely quiet.
This morning as I laid in the bed about 3:30 am (this is normal) my mind raced back to all of the conversations in choir rehearsal and on social media about people feeling loss, during especially during this time of year. God reminded me that I wasn't exempt. Sometimes it's easy to dismiss someone elses feelings when you don't understand or have not experienced what they've gone through. Last night was a wake up call to genuinely love people through this time. Because you feel the loss doesn't mean that you're weak...you're just sad! So be sad, cry and then thank the Lord for helping you to feel and to remember. You are not cold-hearted. The blood is still running warm through your veins and you are still alive because God isn't ready for you yet. And as Mommy said to me as my family dropped me off at Spelman College, many years ago....."When you get homesick or miss us, don't stay here in a pity part and turn on sad music, you better turn on some gospel music and sing yourself happy". (I've been doing just that for years. Ha! Thanks Mommy.)
God is so neat; because even in your pain, He will give you revelation. Her voice is gone, but her spirit lives in me. Her voice is gone, but I can still hear her words of encouragement. Her voice is gone, but her legacy continues through me. Her voice is gone, but when I lay my hands on someone to pray, I feel her energy (because that's what she did for me).
Well it's time to wake the boys for school, so I must leave you. I think I'll connect my phone to the living room speaker, turn on my gospel music and DANCE as we prepare for the day.
Last night I cried because I couldn't hear her voice; but today I'll dance because her spirit lives on inside of me. I am my mother's daughter and I choose to dance!
Now walk it out.......
